• 
• 

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,”
the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?”
says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.
” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter:

“We added up your time sheets.”

• 
• 

big trouble

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese
in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a
bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

• 
• 

Fishing trip

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide
to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning
Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any
mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large,
purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect
with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching
opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said,

"Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

• 
• 

A story to share

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Mary. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
erritory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen
of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed four more with
the knife, till the blade broke. Then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Mary when she's drinking."

• 
• 

Wissenschaftler der NASA

Wissenschaftler der NASA haben eine Vorrichtung entwickelt,
mit der man tote Hühner abschießen kann. Sie wird verwendet,
um bei Fahrzeugen, Flugzeugen und Space Shuttles die Windschutzscheiben
zu testen. Die Idee ist, die Zusammenstöße mit Vögeln zu simulieren
und festzustellen, ob die Windschutzscheibe dem Aufprall standhält.
Englische Ingenieure hörten von der Vorrichtung und haben sie von
den Amerikanern zu Testzwecken angefordert. Als die Engländer den
Test an ihrer neuen Schnellzuglokomotive ausprobierten, waren sie total
überrascht: Sie sahen, dass das Huhn die Scheibe durchschlug,
durch das Armaturenbrett flog und in der Kabinenwand steckenblieb.
Sie wiederholten den Test mit unterschiedlichen Scheiben aller Stärken,
immer das gleiche Ergebnis! Völlig ratlos schicken die erschrockenen Ingenieure
der NASA die Resultate. Die Amerikaner schrieben nur einen Satz zurück:
"DIE HÜHNER VORHER AUFTAUEN!"