Wrong Job Description
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chapswent to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young
lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him
,"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but
I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as
I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Saving for a Rainy Day
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upona young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, i
n his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck.
Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him,
"You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and
the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two botles of beer. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore,
"but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
Shit-Faced
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said,
"Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought
enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish.
I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever
you desire".
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues
smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind
a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have
fifteen minutes, would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said,
"Sure! But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on it's head!"
The other Cheek
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face wasseverely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from,and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all,this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.
I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Golf - Occupational Hazard
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally is able to get himself
up and go to the doctor.
He says to the doctor, "how BAD is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my fiancé is STILL a virgin in every way."
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and to keep
it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So, the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art!!
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They get married and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the FIRST time he had ever seen them.
She says - "you are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Not to be outdone, he pulls down his pants, whips it out and says to her,
"and look at this, it's still in the original crate."
