Always let your Boss have the first say!
A manager, a secretary and a CEO of a business firm in
a large city were walking through a park on their way to
lunch when they found an antique oil lamp.
When they rubbed it a genie came out in a puff of smoke.
The genie said, »I only grant three wishes, so I`ll give
each of you just one.«
»Me first! Me first!« says the manager.
»I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world.« Poof! He´s gone.
In astonishment, »Me next! Me next!« says the secretary.
»I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach, with an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.« Poof! He`s gone.
»You`re next,« the genie says to the CEO.
The CEO says, »I want those two back in the office after lunch!«
The moral of the story:
Always let your Boss have the first say!
Secrets for a Happy Life...
1. It is important to find a man that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a man that makes good money
3. It is important to find a man that likes to have great sex
4. It is important that these three men never meet.
Remember when...
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16
I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate
girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with
some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly
on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me a
nd took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
A Hooker`s first time
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll
become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and
pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question,
I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks,
"What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job", Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees.
She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back
to Harry, and asks,
"Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
Amazing blind man...
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also
the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork
from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy
fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts
the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have,
meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him
a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's
going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and
runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before
I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A smart child
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Walking on water
Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side
of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one
stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water
in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the
same way.
The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be
the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can
match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the
water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink
into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time
sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks
watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we
should tell him where the stones are?"
Psychiatrist Observations
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
